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5:01 AM - Monday, Jan. 15, 2007
Shelby Is Here
On December5th, 2006 Greg and I went in to my doctor�s office because I was having a lot of pain. Turns out I was not dilated any farther but my blood pressure was high so she sent me over to labor and delivery to be monitored. Turns out I was in pre-labor but was not progressing so they sent me home with an induction appointment for the next night due to my high blood pressure. We showed up at the hospital the next night at 8:00 PM where they admitted me and began my induction with Cervadil. The night was miserable because I could not get comfortable in the bed due to the monitors. By morning I was hurting badly and ready for my epidural. I had Stadol, which had helped me get a small bit of sleep but the pain was breaking through it after the doctor broke my water. Getting the epidural was easy and I soon felt better. About that time my mother-in-law got there. A few hours later the epidural began to stop working well so I was given a booster dose. After that dose I was not able to move at all below my waist. It was a torturous feeling for me. I have never been able to deal with being held down so that I could not move. It freaks me out and brings on a panic attack . I began to panic. Greg and Becky sat with me talking me through it and helping me do my breathing but nothing was helping. The next time the doctor checked me I was still at only 7cm after several hours and the baby was not moving down but her head was already beginning to mold to my cervix. She decided it was best to go ahead with a cesarean. I was fine with that, I just wanted it over. I was still pretty upset because of being paralyzed but relieved that the end was in sight. They prepped me and Greg got dressed in the scrubs. I�m sure it went fast but it felt like hours before they got started. My breathing was erratic and I was unable to be calm. Greg said I was squeezing his fingers so hard he thought they�d break any second. They finally began the surgery. I did not feel the first cut but once they started to open the incision I began to feel it. I don�t know if I�d call it pain but in my already panicked state, it was unbearable. I began to scream. My blood pressure went through the roof. They then put me completely under. Greg said I went from thrashing my upper body with my eyes rolling and wild to completely lax. I no longer felt anything like pain but felt trapped inside my head. I don�t think that lasted long though because the next thing I remember is coming to gradually back in my room. I remember listening to Becky talk to the nurse, at that point Greg was in the nursery with Shelby. When I was able to open my eyes and talk, Becky was there holding my hand. I told her what happened. How I felt it and was screaming. She reassured me and let me know Shelby was ok and Greg was with her. He got back to the room about that time and told me how beautiful and perfect she was. And how big. She weighed 9 pounds 2 ounces. The doctors had trouble getting her out of my incision, which is probably why I felt so much, because they had to wrench me open so hard to get her out. At this point I already felt a ton better. I felt no pain but could move my legs again. They soon moved me to my regular room. I was fully awake now and ready to see my baby. Only Greg had held her at this point. Becky had waited because she didn�t feel it was right to hold her before I was able too. The nurse brought her in and all I could see was this little bundle of blankets. She handed her to me, my hands were shaking. I held my daughter in my arms, looked in her eyes, and lost my heart. We were all crying at this point, Greg, Becky, even the nurse who had heard our story from Becky and knew just how long we�d waited and what we�d been through before this point. She was alert and looking right back at me. She was beautiful. And mine. Greg and I made her together and no one could take her from us. No one can take her. We don�t have to share her. No court can tell me I�m not her mother and have no rights. After losing my unborn child, my stepchildren, and our darling Abby, we at last have our own baby and she�s not going anywhere. It is an amazing feeling to feel secure, to know she�s ours and I can love her with all my heart--without fear. All those thoughts and emotions were flowing through us all. Becky said she�d been holding up well emotionally until the moment I finally saw and held her, but at that moment the emotion coming off me was almost a physical thing, she could feel it pulse�mine�mine. I love my daughter with my entire heart and soul. She will never have cause to doubt it and that is a beautiful thing.

During my pregnancy I had the thought on many an occasion that a c-section sounded like a much more preferable way to give birth than pushing a smallish human being out of my hoohoo. I was told I was crazy, major surgery and all that. Well, like I�ve been many times in my life (hahaha), I was right. Other than the ordeal of the actual surgery, it was not all that unpleasant. Once I was finally knocked unconscious during the surgery, it was all downhill from there. I woke up no longer in pain, moving my legs, and feeling pretty much fine. Most of the first day was spent in bed, still had my catheter which also was not terrible thank goodness! I was able to eat and drink within a few hours. One of the worst things about labor for me was being unable to drink. Becky did sneak me melted ice chips when the nurse wasn�t looking though and I was eternally grateful. On the second day I had to get out of bed to pee. It hurt, but nothing I couldn�t handle pretty easily. The third day I was up and around mostly and Greg helped me shower. Funny how seeing the man you love on his knees in front of a hospital room shower while he gently washes your surgery incision can really melt your heart. I was never alone in the hospital. Either, he or Becky or both were with me so I always had fresh ice water, fluffed up pillows and whatever book or magazine I craved at the given moment. I thoroughly enjoyed the hospital staff. Especially the nurses with the pain meds and the gals who brought my meals. The food was bland, but it was so nice to be waited on that I didn�t really care. My c-section experience was a good one for the most part. My doc said my next baby will automatically be c-section and that�s fine with me. IF there is another one. Spending time with more than one child at a time makes me edgy and I really don�t think it�s something I want to deal with. The noise level is exponentially raised while the cuteness factor is exponentially lowered when there are two or more children. Add to that the fighting, add to that the cost, and well, it�s just not that appealing. Now I fully reserve the right to change my mind at a later date though. Greg is back and forth on it as much as I am, so we�ve decided to table the issue for AT LEAST four years. That way any future little addition would be a minimum of five years younger than Shelby which should minimize fighting and noise, lol! For now I can�t wait till my doctor�s appointment and the resumption of birth control. This condom business got old really quick. Even the fancy textured and heated ones don�t compare with the feel of good old fashioned skin! Which birth control I�m going to use is still a question I�m pondering and need to discuss with the doc. Speaking of sex, it�s freaking awesome! Another perk of the c-section is that my female region was preserved in it�s original wonderful state, lol! I had worried over it, so it was a relief to me and to hubby who had, prior to the c-section and with the vaginal delivery looming, smartly kept his fears on the subject to himself. Now however, he is practically singing the praises of my still perfect va-jay-jay, LMAO! He sweetly kisses my scar and the little scatter of stretch marks on my belly, so the permanent signs of bearing our child that ARE there, have only bonded us. The first sexual encounter after baby was outstanding. There was a candle burning so I was self conscious of the light but when he unbuttoned the length of my nightgown , spread it open, then sat back on his heals, sighed and told me how beautiful I was�well, self consciousness was gone and we made love. He was gentle, we were both emotional and it will be forever one of my sweetest memories. It was made all the sweeter by how raw we both were emotionally. Which brings me to the subject I dreaded talking about because I hate to think of it but here we go�

I was scheduled to go home on the Sunday following Shelby�s birth. That morning I had her in my arms getting ready to nurse her when her body stiffened and started to twitch. We called for the nurse who took her back to the nursery for observation and paged the doc. After a tense hour or so, we were informed that our baby girl had had a seizure with us and again with the nurse after she brought her back. We were in shock. Our perfect, healthy baby girl�seizures?? It just did not make sense. Greg held up strong as always and put out the word, after first having my nurse get me a valium. Becky and Geoff jumped in the car and headed our way and Chrissy and Dustin were close behind. Our Shelby was in trouble so the family circled the wagons so to speak. After almost five hours of tests and no word, the neonatologist finally came to talk to us. There was blood in Shelby�s spinal fluid, meaning that she had a bruise on her head that had caused blood to leak around her brain which caused irritation which caused her seizures. The most likely cause of the bruise was her head being �stuck� during the time I labored and she was not progressing. She was being admitted to the NICU for further testing and observation. We stayed in the hospital that night but had to go home the next day. Without our baby. This is hard for me so I�ll give the condensed version of the next 10 days. Our baby was hooked up to wires and monitors. Her little veins kept collapsing so she had to endure a new IV every day. Due to that I had to stop nursing her to minimize movement so I pumped breast milk and brought it to the hospital for her. During her stay she had three different IV�s in her head and her little arms and feet were covered in bruises from the needles. I made an average of three trips to the hospital each day. I was not supposed to be driving yet, but did anyway by not taking my pain medication except at night. The nurses took excellent care of her but she was still in a hard plastic bed, being cared for by strangers instead of her mother. It was hell. Pure hell. Greg had to resume work so he was only able to make one of the visits with me. Becky came after work most days, but the majority of the time it was me on my own. My days were dragging my sore body out of the house and to the hospital to feed and cuddle my baby girl, leaving my baby girl laying in that hospital bed, crying in the elevator, in the parking lot, in the car, and finally crying myself to sleep once I got home, only to wake up in a few hours to begin the process all over again. It was torturous and so hard I thought my soul would break sometimes, but I got through it. I held it together for my baby girl. I�m her Mommy, and that�s just what mommies have to do sometimes. Twice we were scheduled to bring her home only to show up at the hospital and be told that she�d had another seizure and had to stay. The third time, she finally made it through the required 48 hours without seizure and we were allowed to room in with her. To get out of the NICU you can�t just leave, you have to spend a night with the baby in the hospital first so the nurses can monitor you and the baby and make sure all is well. Greg had to work so he was there for the evening and then came to pick us up in the morning. Going home was a wonderful thing. I cannot even describe how wonderful it felt to leave with her, and bring her home to her big sister Anabella, her cozy Pooh filled nursery, and most of all, the consistency of us where she could be doted on and adored 24/7, as she should be. It�s not all a bed of roses though. She is still on daily oral seizure prevention medication which she hates. It is heart breaking to have to give it to her. Her cries are pitiful and her little lower lip pokes out as she shakes her head tying to get away from the syringe. She has had no seizures since she�s been home, all her well baby visits confirm she�s still well, but she�ll still have to be seen by a pediatric neurologist in March to follow up. Her medicine dose is being left at the same dose so she will gradually out grow it and wean off it. My hope is that the neurologist will stop the meds all together come March. We have also begun to receive the hospital bills. Greg has excellent insurance but 10 days in the NICU with EEG�s, CAT scans, and a MRI, is going to be ugly anyway. Everything is not in but we are up to around $3000 owed after insurance pays. Ouch. Oh well, can you say payment plan?!?

As I write this Shelby is now 5 weeks old. She is adorable and sweet tempered just like her Mommy, hahaha! Being a stay at home mom is my calling I�m pretty sure. I�ve never been happier. Greg is a wonderful father. He is completely in love with Shelby. He has drug us both all over the place to show her off to friends and any stray family member that hadn�t managed to meet her yet. He never forgets to tell me I look pretty when I�ve managed to stay conscious long enough to complete my beauty routine before we go out, and when I�m bleary eyed and still in my night gown at 3:00 in the afternoon, he tells me how much he loves me and what a great mom I am. Shelby, me, and Anabella have no shortage of hugs and attention. He does diapers, bottles(sadly, Shelby could not relearn breastfeeding after having to take the bottle in the NICU for so long), and housework. He does tend to dress her funny, but at least she�s young enough not to mind, lol. Anytime his schedule allows it, he takes over baby duty and puts me to bed for some much needed catch up sleep. I know how lucky I am so I try my best to keep him as happy as he makes me. I appreciate how hard he works and how well we are cared for so I make it a point to tell him so. Even though I�m tired I still make as much time as I can for cuddles, sex, or just a well timed hug and �I love you, honey�. I�ve heard that having children can strain a marriage badly, but it has had the opposite effect on us. Parenthood agrees with us. But then, we already knew that. It�s nice to be back in the roles we were meant to share.

Our anniversary was last week. This anniversary celebration was completely new for us. We didn�t get all prettied up for a night out, instead I set a candle-lit table and Greg went out to pick up dinner. We had a romantic dinner by the flicker of the candles and the creak-creak of Shelby�s swing as she napped next to us. I was in my sweats and am pretty sure my hair was sticking up. Greg pretty much looked the same. During dinner we talked about Shelby, gazed at Shelby�it was great, one of the best anniversaries we�ve ever had. Almost 5 years together, 4 years married. Happy as hell and more in love than ever. Life is good., really good.

 

 

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