2:23 PM - Friday, Nov. 11, 2005
Fears Friday
Ok, Trista says I should do the Fears Friday thing too. Hmmmmm...
Let's see. How honest can I be on such a public journal? Ehhhh, screw it. I'm done tip-toeing in the rest of my life, why start doing it here?
My fear today is that I will be trapped in this body forever...this body that feels so alien to me.
Now I suppose that is fuel to one of the people who reads my blog to call me superficial and vain, after all it's one of her favorite pastimes! :p But I'm past the point of caring about her spitefulness. I know that I am not those things and that is what matters. The most important things in my life are my loved ones. My family and friends mean more to me than sparkles and beauty. Those things bring me smiles, but not joy. I know my husband loves me as I am. He never asks me to change...to fit into the size I wore when we met. He understands the stress and physical problems(thyroid disease)that have caused my weight to go up. He loves me, he shows it, and I feel it every day. My babies don't care that Mommy is "softer". Hell, it just makes me a better pillow! My friends and family don't care what size I am. It's a bonding tool anyway, since it's a problem we all deal with. I know what is important in life. But still I want to lose weight for me. I want to look in the mirror and be able to see the beauty inside myself unhidden by pudge. I want my (physical) confidence back. I want to be my true self again. I don't want to be hidden any longer inside this body.
My plan is to be back to my pre-thyroid disease size before my next birthday. That gives me plenty of time. Now if only my motivation will hang around grow into something more powerfull than cheesecake...more powerfull than grrrravy...more powerfull than butter...LOL, I could go on and on, but ya'll get the idea! ;)
